You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
