I puked a lego.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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