wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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