Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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