trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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