I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Everyone says I win the strip club
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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