I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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