the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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