I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
