My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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