I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
