She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
