I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
