Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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