If that was your dad, he is hot
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
worst night to have a conscience
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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