I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
