I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
