If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
