I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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