And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
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Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
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She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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