I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Randomize
