he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize