I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
