It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize