Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
