I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
