I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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