He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
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complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
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He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
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