I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
