How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
