The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
