pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's never too late to be topless.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
