i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
