this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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