my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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