so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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