Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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