Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
In other news, I just burned my penis
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
