Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
