I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
