Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
