watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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