turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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