Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
