If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She bit a glass in half.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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