So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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