listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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