can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
