Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
