i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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