Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
