she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
