I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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