Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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