I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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